NOTICE: YEARBOOK PORTRAITS WILL BE TAKEN IN THE WEIGHT ROOM THIS FRIDAY DURING PHYSICAL EDUCATION. PLEASE REPORT TO THE GYM AT YOUR USUAL PERIOD. BE SURE TO WEAR APPROPRIATE CLOTHING AND HAVE YOUR ORDER FORMS FILLED OUT WITH YOUR PAYMENT ENCLOSED.

Ah, we?ve got a regular Tom Cruise here. I didn?t realize I?d be shooting movie stars today. Golly. Okay Mr. Cruise, let?s remove our glasses, okay?

Actually, I think I?d like to keep them on.

Well, Mr. Cruise, the thing is, you see the thing is we have these lights here. We need lights so that you look nice and your face isn?t so dark, but the lights, well, they reflect in glass. Glasses reflect light. That?s what we call glare, and glare?ll hide your eyes and the eyes are the key to a successful portrait. Any photographer worth his meat?ll tell you that. You?ve got to see the eyes, otherwise?

Um, yea, well won?t my eyes catch a glare just the same? I?d rather keep them on. Anyway they?re like a part of my face.

Look kid, I?m only gonna ask you one more time ?cause I?ve got to keep this show on the road here. I know a little something about this. You?re mother is going to be dissatisfied if you catch a wicked glare. I don?t want to have to do this over six weeks from now on the make-up day.

Aren?t there ways of avoiding the glare by moving the lights around? Isn?t that what a photographer does?

Yea, you see I?m not really set up for that. This isn?t exactly a cover shoot. We have volume.

[no response]

Can you at least keep your back straight for me? That?s great. A regular Harrison Ford. That?s great Mr. Ford. Now can you lift your chin up a bit for me? Great. A little more. A little higher with the chin. Oops! That?s too much. Bring it down a little Harrison. Bring it down a tad. Great. Now look at me. Okay, but keep your back straight and your chin up as you do it. See this comb I?ve got in my hand? You see it? I want you to follow it with your eyes.

Oh, do I need to use that, to fix my hair?

The time is past for that Mr. Hawk. You look like Ethan Hawk. You had plenty of time to comb your hair? look right here, look riiiiiiiiight here [pop] ? You had plenty of time to comb your hair when we were arguing about the glasses. Perfect. All done.

But I think I blinked. I think my eyes were closed.

What do you care? They?ll be covered by the glare anyways. And don?t worry about that zit there?we?re gonna airbrush that right out.

I?

See you in six weeks. Please exit by the pull-up bars. NEXT!


NOTICE: YEARBOOK PORTRAITS WILL BE DISTRIBUTED ON FRIDAY DURING HOMEROOM. ANY STUDENTS ABSENT FOR THE PREVIOUS SESSION OR DISSATISFIED WITH THEIR CURRENT PHOTOS WILL HAVE THE OPPORTUNINTY TO MAKE UP OR RESHOOT THEIR PORTRAITS ON MONDAY. REPORT TO THE WEIGHT ROOM WITH YOUR ORDER FORMS OR REJECT PRINTS DURING LUNCH OR STUDY HALL.

They charge how much for these pictures? Look at the glare on your glasses. You?d think that as professional photographers they?d know how to avoid a massive glare like that. Look at that! Umbrellas over your eyes!

Yea, the glare? But, Mom?

And your hair! Don?t they have combs for you to use so that your hair doesn?t stick up in all directions?

[no response]

At least they airbrushed that pimple out.

Yea, they took out the pimple, but do you think they might have gone overboard with the airbrush?

How so, Darling?

Don?t you think it?s strange that my face isn?t actually in the photograph? All that?s there are my glasses suspended in front of a backdrop.

You?re right! What is the deal with that backdrop? What happened to just plain old neutral gray? Or even a sky with light clouds? What is this? Neon? This looks like it was taken at the roller rink.

I picked that background. It?s called Zap!

It?s so busy. It takes away from your darling handsome face.

Yea, well it is kind of louder than I expected it to be, but you see, my face doesn?t actually show up in the photo, so it doesn?t really matter.

Why would you choose Zap!?

Mom, I?m kind of worried about this whole not showing up in photographs thing.

Your eyes. Your beautiful eyes. Doesn?t this guy know that the key to good portraiture is in the eyes?

[no response]

When do they do re-shoots?


NOTE?STUDENTS REQUESTING RESHOOTS MUST CHECK OFF REASON FOR REQUEST:
A.___SOFT FOCUS B.___GLARE C.___FACIAL BLEMISHES D._X_ OTHER
IF D., PLEASE SPECIFY: _I?M NOT IN THE PICTURE_

Ah ha! Look who it is. Mr. Pitt. Mr. Brad Pitt. Hey Brad, you feel like taking off your glasses this time? Because something tells me Momma Pitt wasn?t too pleased with the glare. And you know what? I bet it was my fault too. ?Why is this photographer so dumb? You?d think as a professional photographer he?d know how to avoid a massive glare like that. Yep it had to be the dumb photographer. Not my darling Bradley Pitt. Not my darling Bradley. He?s not a stubborn ass like all the other kids at the school. He?s a darling boy.?

Um, well, yea, you see there is a glare, but that?s not so much what I?m concerned about, you see?

Hey Keanu. Mr. Reeves, look. You checked off Zap! on the form. Your time slot is determined by your selection. I can?t be rolling and unrolling these backdrops every time some kid isn?t happy with his choice. I have a schedule to keep. You saw what it looked like in the brochure. You picked Zap! Not Traditional, not Arial. You picked Zap! And you?re going to have to learn to live with that. Now please. Take. Off. Your. Glasses.

Yea Zap! is a bit more busy than I had expected, but you see, if you?ll look at my portrait here, which I might point out that you took, I?m not actually in it. All that shows of me are my glasses and a little bit of my collar. If I had taken off my glasses like you suggested, this pretty much wouldn?t be my portrait at all. It would just be Zap! With a little bit of my collar.

[pop] All done. Thanks for your cooperation George Clooney. NEXT!

But I wasn?t even?

Please exit by the pull-up bars.


TODAY?S HOT LUNCH SPECIALS: FRENCH BREAD PIZZA, CURLEY FRIES, CHOCOLATE MILK. TOMORROW: PATTY MELTS, TATER-TOTS, FRUIT PUNCH.

Let?s see yours.

These are even worse than the original ones. My mother?s going to kill me.

C?mon, let me see.

Naw. I?d rather not. Hey! Give ?em back.

Ha! Would ya look at that! These?re priceless. Oh, you?ve gotta let me have one of these beauties. These are great! These are hi-fuckin?-larious!

Give ?em back Steve!

You picked Zap!? Who picks Zap!?

Steve?

And what?s with your collar? Your collar?s all sticking up and out of whack. That?s funny. These are funny. They sure are.

STEVE! Give me back the FUCKING pictures!

[taken aback] Geez! Don?t get all bent out of shape about it or anything. Here?re your precious pictures.

Thank you. I just feel a little self-conscious that?s all.

Yea, well you don?t have to be a fag about it.


HALL PASS: I, _MR. GOYIM_ , GRANT _ALVIN LEVY_ HALLWAY ACCESS FOR PURPOSES OF _NURSE_. SIGNED?HENRY GOYIM

Good morning Alvin.

Good morning.

[awkward silence] So what brings you to see me?

I?m a little worried about my class portrait, that?s all.

Alvin, that seems like hardly a reason to excuse yourself from class.

Yea, I know, but you see I?m not actually in the portrait. My face is invisible to the camera. I don?t show up. It?s hideous. Take a look.

I understand.

You do? Thank you.

Alvin, it?s perfectly normal at your age to be uncomfortable with your body and your appearance. You?re going through many changes right now and it?s understandable that when you look at yourself you might not recognize whom you see.

But I don?t see anybody. Damn straight I?m uncomfortable with my appearance! I don?t have one!

Now, now Alvin. I?ll call your mother with the name of a good dermatologist. Go see Dr. Needermyer. You?ll feel much better about all this.

I?m sorry. Coming to you was a mistake.

Don?t say that Alvin. If something doesn?t feel right it?s never a mistake to come see me.

I need a pass back to class.

Here you are. And take a lolly.

I? Oh, are you all out of red?

Just choose one and go Alvin.


ATTENTION: STUDENTS WISHING TO SUPPLY PHOTOGRAPHS FOR THEIR YEARBOOK PORTRAITS THAT ARE DIFFERENT THAN THOSE TAKEN BY STAN-LOR STUDIOS CAN DO SO BY PLACING THEIR PHOTOS (WITH YOUR NAME CLEARLY PRINTED ON THE BACK) IN THE YEARBOOK MAILBOX LOCATED IN THE FRONT OFFICE. THE DEADLINE FOR NEW PHOTOS IS THIS FRIDAY.

Alvin! Alvin, wait up!

Oh, hey Alyssa.

Hey.

What?s up?

Not much?

[blank stare]

Oh. Yea, well, you see I?m on the Acropolis staff. I?m the yearbook photo editor, so I go through all the photos that go in the yearbook, and well, we got the portraits back from StanLor Studios, and, I don?t know, I just thought you might have a different photo you?d want to go in the portrait section.

Why?

Well, I don?t know. You don?t exactly seem all there in the photo we have.

I?m not! You?re right! I?m not all there! Thank you so much for noticing. I thought I was going crazy. But you don?t see me either!

Well, you just seem kind of out of it, you know?

That?s right! I?m out of it! I?m not all there! I?m out of it!

And there?s a glare on your glasses.


HEAR YE! HEAR YE! TICKETS TO THE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS ?SPRING FORWARD? DANCE GO ON SALE TODAY AT LUNCH. TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER COUPLE, FIFTEEN STAG.

Alyssa Theiss?

Yea, so?

Alyssa Theiss is a skank dude.

Shut up, Steve.

I don?t get it, that?s all, I just don?t get it.

Yea, well I think she does. She gets it. That?s the point.

She?s just not that hot that?s all.

Yea, well, she?

I bet she?s loose though.

What?

I bet she lets you fuck her.

What?

Yea. She?s not exactly hot, so she has to do something to get guys. I bet she lets you put your hands down her pants on the first date. Trust me on this one. I got Nasty Nina to give me a blowjob in the basement at Donny?s last weekend.

I, uh?

Alvin?

Yea?

You?re gonna tap that ass aren?t ya? You?re gonna hit that right?


HOLY MOTHER TRADING POST?RELIGIOUS GIFTS AND RELICS?CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE?WARNING: TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROCECUTED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LAW?GOD BLESS THIS HOUSE

Wow! How did you find out about this place?

I don?t know. Steve and I have been coming here since we were kids. I think his brothers told us about it.

Look at all this weird stuff. I never knew they made biblical action figures.

Yea, it?s pretty cool.

You?re not afraid of getting caught?

No one?s ever here. I think that when the owner died, the place was forgotten. It was probably forgotten way before that anyway, because it doesn?t look like they sold much stuff.

Yea, and who would ever think to come to the middle of the woods to buy a knick-knack Christ anyway?

Yea.

Why are you looking at me like that?

What? [ha ha] What are you talking about?

Nothing. So, Steve?s your best friend, huh?

Who? Oh, Steve? Yea, he?s alright. I mean, yea, I guess you could call him my best friend, but?

But what?

Hey, that rhymes.

What?

?But what.? That rhymes.

Oh. Yea. I guess it does.

[really awkward silence]

So, you were saying?

What was I saying?

About Steve?

Oh. Yea, Steve?s cool, it?s just that he can be a little too ?in your face? sometimes. You know what I mean?

Yea, I kind of got that impression.

Yea.

[silence]

Good ol? Steve. Steve-o?

Alvin, are you going to the dance?

The dance? Oh yea, the Spring Dance? I don?t know, maybe. Are you going?

I thought I might check it out. Maybe we can, I don?t know, check it out together?

I don?t really dance, but? I mean, yea, that would, probably, that would probably be cool.

Cool.

[more awkwardness]

Alvin?? Oh?

[xxx]

That was nice.

Yea.

Yea?

[xxx ooo]

Mmmmm. Hmmmmm, Mmm-hmmm.

Oh Alyssa?

[xxx ooo]

Mmmmggh? Hey, what are you doing? What the FUCK are you doing? Get your hand out of there! That?s so gross!

Alyssa? I just want to?

I get it. I?ve got to go.

You do get it? That?s why I? You?re the only one who can see me.

I don?t know what you?re talking about. I don?t see anything.

Wait! Exactly. You see that I?m not in the picture.

I have to go.


HELLO. YOU HAVE REACHED THE THEISS RESIDENCE. IF YOU?RE CALLING ABOUT THE BEVERLY PLACE BLOCK PARTY PLANNING COMMITTEE MEETING, IT HAS BEEN POSTPONED UNTIL THE EIGHTH AT EIGHT O?CLOCK. OTHERWISE, IF YOU?RE CALLING FOR PETER, ANDREA, ALYSSA, OR STACEY PLEASE LEAVE YOUR NAME, NUMBER, AND A BRIEF MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP. THANKS SO MUCH AND HAVE A GREAT DAY!
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

[awkward silence] Um, yea, hi, um, uh this message is for Alyssa? I, uh, hi Alyssa, this is Alvin Levy, and?

Beep. Hello, Alvin? This is Mrs. Theiss.

Uh, yea, I, yes?

Please stop calling. Alyssa?s not here.

[no response]

Frankly, we all think the way you?re behaving is kind of creepy.

Oh, I?

Bye, now. [click]


DAYLIGHT SAVINGS ?SPRING FORWARD? DANCE: SATURDAY, APRIL 6, 8:00 PM?ADMIT ONE

I?m such a stupid idiot!

Dude, don?t beat yourself up about this dude. Girls are weird. One second they?re all flirty and then you disgust them. I get it all the time.

[no response]

Your tie?s all crooked dude.

I don?t know what made me think I could do that.

Alvin. Buddy. Listen to me. Girls. Are. Crazy. One day she wants it, the next day she doesn?t. Move on. Look, Nina?s standing all alone. Why don?t you go dance with her? She?ll make out with you behind the bleachers.

She just wanted to let me choose another photograph. What?s so weird about that?

[uncomfortable silence]

I can?t believe I blew it. She saw I wasn?t there.

I don?t know what you?re talking about dude. Maybe she?s not the one who?s crazy.


HOMEWORK: REMEMBER TO BRING YOUR YEARBOOKS TO CLASS TOMORROW, AS WE WILL BE HAVING A BOOK-SIGNING PIZZA PARTY. ALSO, IF YOU SIGNED UP TO BRING CUPS, PLATES, CHIPS, OR SODA, PLEASE REMEMBER TO BRING THOSE AS WELL.

?Hey Alvin?
Have a bitchin? summer! See you in the fall.
--Louis?

?Thomas Reefus?

?Mr. Levy?
It certainly was an ?experience? having you in class this year. Don?t see too many movies this summer?books are fun too you know. Keep up the good work and good luck in Kaplow?s honors class next year.
--R. Cratch?

?Al?
You?re a nerd and a geek but we love you anyway.
--Kevin Alistar?

?Alvin?
It was great having class with you this year. Have a GREAT summer!
XXOO Becky Morgenson?

?The only reason I?m signing your fucking yearbook is because Mr. Cratch is making us pass these stupid things around. What a fucking waste of time. You?re a loser and I hate you.
--Chad
P.S. Tell Mr. Cratch I wrote this and I?ll kick your ass until it?s concave.?

?Dear Alvin?
Stay cool.
--Rich?

?Best, Dave Smith?

?Guess I?m first to sign your crack!
--Donny?

?Have a great summer, Alvin.
--Lisa?

?I hope you have a really great summer.
--Sally Anderson?

?Alvie?
Whenever your in Doubt, just kick back, and Dust us all. Like wow, It?s crazy man!
--Brian (a.k.a. Youngblood)?

?Great to have class with you. Wishing you the best summer ever! SHS rocks!
Sincerely, Nina?

?Dear Alvin?
I?m not sure what you think I ?saw? or didn?t ?see,? but I know now you?re just a guy?You can?t help it. That?s really unfortunate.
Have a great summer.
--Alyssa?

?Nice photo fag.
--Steve?